Another anecdote from the series “Lankan Village Stories” started in our Issue No. 26

(Narrator: This story happened about 200 years ago).

Ekamath eka kalayaka (once upon a time) there was a long dry spell in the north central part of Lanka. The dry spell had lasted for many full moons and all the land, forest, animals and people were desperate for a drink of water. All living beings were dehydrated, and most had died because of the lack of water. Some animals had lost their sense of balance and good thinking. It appeared as if most animals have had their brains “scrambled” – in other words they were illogical, foolish and misguided.

One sunny day the sun had just risen to its highest peak in the sky and the heat was burning down. A dehydrated leopard staggered along a dried-up footpath and to his surprise saw a damp patch of ground under a tree. With his last bit of energy, he started digging the ground hoping to find some water to drink. Unknown to the leopard a maddened and irrational monkey was looking on from atop a tree. The whole scene was a blurred, dizzy picture for the monkey because he had not had any water to drink for a long time.

The leopard’s energy had just come to an end when he saw some muddy water. Carefully he started lapping up the thick and muddy water. For the leopard it was as if though he was drinking honey . He had not noticed that the crazed monkey was looking on.

To the crazed monkey who was looking at the leopard from behind, mistook the leopard for a female monkey that was drinking the muddied water. The natural impulse to have sex overpowered his desire to have a drink of water. The monkey climbed down in a hurry from the tree and tried to sexually assault the “female monkey”. It was an unnatural and unusual sexual assault.

The leopard got such a shock that it fell forward into the hole and its face was submerged in the muddy water. It was though the leopard was wearing a most fearsome mask (Narrator: similar to the masks now made in Ambalangoda). When the monkey saw the face of the “female monkey” it got frightened too and thought “Oh, what an ugly monkey to have sex with” and in an instant turned round and bolted away from the scene.

The leopard, on the other hand, instantly recovered from the assault and chased the monkey. By this time the monkey had a head-start of about 20 “විනාඩි” minutes. Crazy or not the monkey ran for dear life. The leopard, who was also crazy, chased!

As the monkey ran, he saw a camping tent2 made by a crazy Englishman who was on a hunting trip. The monkey ran into the tent and saw the Englishman’s jungle clothes. He quickly put on the jungle clothes and as he sat down on the chair that was near the entrance to the tent, he saw on a table the Englishman’s sunglasses and a copy of the Times of England broadsheet newspaper (current readership 1 246 000).  The monkey put on the sunglasses. Now, except for his face and sunglasses, the monkey’s body was fully covered.

Hardly had the monkey opened to the centre page of the newspaper when the crazy leopard charged through gasping for fresh air and asked the “Englishman” in an enraged voice “Have you seen a monkey running this way to avoid capture?” The “Englishman” without looking up from the centre page said “Oh! Is this the same monkey who tried to sexually assault a leopard as reported in this paper? I saw him running towards that big rock.” Clearly the directions were to trick the leopard.

The leopard got so surprised for the second time that day and said “My god! Already in print? The media is efficient! Oh! That incident happened only about 20 “විනාඩි” minutes ago, and I am amazed that the news has travelled so fast to England for it to be published in the newspaper”. The leopard went away quite dejected in the direction shown to him by the “Englishman” but still very thirsty. He decided not ever to expose his rear end to others. He died later of unqualified shame and thirst. As for the monkey, it lived happily for many more full moons to tell the triumphant story to his offspring.

(Narrator: It is reputed that the readership figure of the Times of England after the incident stood at 1 246 001).

By Rudra de Zoysa. MNZM – Gold Coast , Australia
Honorary Consul for Sri Lanka in New Zealand (Retired after 20 years of service).
Dean of the Wellington Consular Corps (Retired).
Founding Member of United Sri Lanka Association.
Founding Member of the Sri Lanka Association of New Zealand.